Step 1: Get Clear On Your Mission

The key to any generative conflict practice is the ability to discern what kinds of conflict you’re excited to engage with.

We can’t engage with any conflict that comes our way. Much of it is not worth our time.

Not everyone or every conflict deserves the privilege of your participation.

Say it out loud: “Not everyone or every conflict deserves the privilege of my participation.”

How do you know where to put your energy?

You need to decide on what you need to learn or how you want to impact the world.

Reflection Prompts:

If you’re thinking organizationally: What is the mission or vision your work is in service of? Be as specific as possible. Who will you grow the most from being in conflict with?

If you’re thinking individually: What is your unique perspective on the world? How do you want to contribute to it? What are the gifts you want to be seen and known for? What kinds of conflict will encourage you to understand more about what you offer or help you offer it fully?

Step 2: Get Excited About Conflict

Reflect on a time when you grew from conflict in a way you are grateful for. Write about who it was with, what happened, what you learned, and how you feel about it now.

Consider what conditions made that growth possible.

Reflection Prompts: Why did this particular conflict help you? Was it something you did? Something you felt? Something about the relationship? What if you could take all of the best things about a positive experience you had with conflict and ensure it happened with every other experience of conflict you have? How would those conflicts be like? What would you learn from them?

Step 3: Create a Culture That Welcomes Generative Conflict

Reflect on how you could become more aware of early signs that conflict may be emerging. It’s often all over body language - our own and that of those around us.

Reflect on what you might do to invite more disagreement in what you do or say.

Reflection prompts: Is there someone you can think of with whom you could imagine having a generative conflict? What’s already happening in the relationship that tells you you’re right? Given what you know about this person and your relationship, how could you safely suggest that you create space for each of you to openly disagree with one another.

Step 4: Identify a Community of Support

A generative conflict practice does not only depend on what we do as individuals. It depends on a culture and community of support. Unfortunately, mainstream culture often does not do well in this regard. We often need to be intentional in curating communities that have capacity to hold and learn from conflict.

Reflection prompts: Who else do you know who might be interested in developing a generative conflict practice? How do you know they might be interested? How might you reach out to them in a way that excites them to join you?

Step 5: Consider Taking Risks

Conflict is challenging because it makes us feel vulnerable. In vulnerable situations, we often become risk averse.

At the same time, moving through conflict nearly always requires that someone takes a risk.

Reflection prompts: What is a conflict in your life or work that you’ve felt stuck in? What’s a risk that you could take but haven’t yet? What would be the best possible outcome of you taking that risk? What would be the worst possible outcome? Is it a risk you’d be willing to try? If so, what’s the safest way you can think to try it out? Would it help to talk through the risk with a third party before trying it out?

Step 6: Determine Your Compass

Determine what gauge you will use to determine whether your practice is working for you. The question I often ask is whether my conflict practice is creating openings for deeper long-term connectivity or divisiveness? If I’m going down the road of divisiveness, I pause and regroup.

Reflection prompt: What will happen for me to feel my conflict practice is generative?

Step 7: Schedule Time to Integrate What You Learn

Make reflection and integration a habit in your generative conflict practice. Even when we don’t “resolve” conflicts or get everyone to think the same way, we still have opportunities to gather valuable learnings.

Reflection prompt: What rituals or routines will work for me to unpack and gather wisdom from conflict experiences?

Goodbread, J. (2010). Befriending Conflict: How to make conflict safer, more productive, and more fun. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Machado de Oliveira, V. (2021). Hospicing Modernity. North Atlantic Books.

Mindell, A. (2017). Conflict: Phases, Forums, and Solutions. World Tao Press

Mindell, A. (2014). Sitting in the Fire: Large Group Transformation Using Conflict and Diversity. Deep Democracy Exchange.

Nieto, L. (2010). Beyond Inclusion; Beyond Empowerment: A Developmental Strategy to Liberate Everyone. Cuetzpalin Publishing.

Rosenburg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

Schulman, S. (2016). Conflict is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair. Arsenal Pulp Press.